A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.
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I just watched a debate as to which cartoons were better- Disney or Warner Bros.

I have to say it got very animated.
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How can you tell is a singer is at your door?

They can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?

After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
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What's the one thing that never works when it's fixed?

A jury.
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I know loads of jokes about cash machines,

I just can't think of one atm.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What room can you not go into?

A mushroom!
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