How many fire safety guys dose it take to screw in a light bulb?

One -- but it's an 8 hour minimum.
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What did the alien say when he was out of room?

I'm all spaced out!
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I stayed up all night because I wanted to see where the sun went,

and then it dawned on me.
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How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me." (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, for the infant readers among you, this was a popular catch-phrase from "Laugh In.")
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Why did the lamb cross the road?

To get to the baaaaarber shop
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How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Astronomers prefer the dark.
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It’s Hans free.
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What pine has the longest needles?

A porcupine.
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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

There were two cows in a field. The first cow said "moo" and the second cow said "baaaa." The first cow asked the second cow, "why did you say baaaa?" The second cow said, "I'm learning a foreign language."
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Where can you find a good lawyer?

In the cemetery
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