What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors?

A piano.
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Customer: "Do you have alligator shoes?"

Clerk: "Yes, sir. What size does your alligator wear?"
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What do you call a chicken in the 1960's?

A funky chicken.
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A sandwich walks into a bar.

The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

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Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns

they always take things literally.
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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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How many ergonomicists does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. Four to decide which way the bulb ought to turn, and . . .
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What do Santa's elves learn in school?

The Elfabet.
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What kind of cat should you never play games with?

A cheetah
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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