What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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What did the policeman say when his tummy was rumbling?

Stop! You're under a vest.
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How many singers from Nashville does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to change it, one to sing about how heartbroken he is at the loss of the old one, one to sing about how madly in love he is with the new one, and one to go "Yee-Hah!" and throw his cowboy hat in the air.
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How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?

Three:

One to write the light bulb removal program,
one to write the light bulb insertion program, and

one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
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What do whales eat?

Fish and ships.
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This graveyard looks overcrowded.

People must be dying to get in there.
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What do you call a deer that costs a dollar?

A buck.
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Why did the lamb cross the road?

To get to the baaaaarber shop
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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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When do you go on red and stop on green?

When you are eating a watermelon.
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