A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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Why do chemists enjoy working with ammonia?

Because it's pretty basic stuff.
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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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Why was the mole of oxygen molecules excited when he walked out of the singles bar?

He got Avogadro's number!
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What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What's brown and looks really good on a lawyer?

A Doberman.
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What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house?

Hope it's Halloween!!
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How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb

None, sound engineers don't do lights
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