A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.
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Middle C, E-Flat and G walk into a bar.

Sorry, says the barman, we don't serve minors.
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I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah;

I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one".

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Who can hold up a bus with one hand?

A crossing guard.
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I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?"

I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
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Why don't aliens eat clowns?

Because they taste funny!
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Who makes dinosaur clothes?

A dino-sewer.
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How many Anglicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A whole synod. One to move that the bulb be changed while the others debate until the room spins.
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How many junkies does it take to change a light bulb?

Oh wow, is it, like, dark, man?
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