A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with

but I've been trippin' all day.
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What kind of cat should you never play games with?

A cheetah
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Why to lawyers wear neckties?

To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What did the carrot say to the rabbit?

Do you want to grab a bite?
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How many Holocaust revisionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None: they just deny that the bulb ever went out in the first place.
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What is a vampire's favorite fruit?

A nectarine!
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How many college girls does it take to change a light bulb?

That's "women," you unfunny jerk!
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