A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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Why does the Donald sleep with a potato in his briefs?

Because he want to wake up some day as America's First Dictator.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night.

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill.
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Why should we call the President, Donald "Duck" Trump?

Because you better duck when he's pissed.
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What happens when spectroscopists are idle?

They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
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How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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Why do chemists enjoy working with ammonia?

Because it's pretty basic stuff.
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