A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?

A ferrous wheel.
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What goes tick-tock, bow-wow, tick-tock, bow-wow?

A watch dog.
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How do you make a rock float?

Put it in a glass with some ice cream and root beer.
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What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?

Big holes all over Australia!
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What happened when the lion ate the comedian?

He felt funny.
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What do an accordion and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

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