Have you heard the joke about the butter?

I better not tell you, it might spread.
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What is black ,white and red all over?

A sunburnt penguin
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What school do you have to drop out of to graduate from?

Parachute school!
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What happens when frogs park illegally?

They get toad.
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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.

I said, "Are you two an item?"

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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

Because he was caught tweeting on a test.
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How many music teachers does it take to screw in a light bulb??

None. music teachers can't afford lightbulbs.
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Why are Muslims worried about Trumps immigration plans?

Once you deport Juan you deport Jamal.
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What has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck.
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