How are an apple and a lawyer alike?

They both look good hanging from a tree.
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A neutron walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"

The bartender offers him a warm smile and says, "For you, no charge".
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What did the octopus say to his girlfriend when he proposed?

Can I have your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand in marriage?
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What cheese do you use to coax a bear out of the woods with?

Camembert.
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What's a dog's favorite food for breakfast?

Pooched eggs.
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How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?

She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
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What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.
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What's worse than a worm in your apple?

Half a worm.
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How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But the guitarist has to show him first.

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Why don't aliens celebrate Chistmas?

Because they don't want to give away their presence.
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