How are an apple and a lawyer alike?

They both look good hanging from a tree.
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What do you get when you drop a piano into a mine shaft?

A Flat Miner

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What kind of balls do dragons play soccer with?

Fireballs.
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A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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What do you give a lemon in distress?

Lemonade.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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Why was the vacationing doctor so mad?

He had no patients.
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.

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There was a rooster sitting on a top of a barn. If it laid an egg, which way would it roll?

Roosters don't lay eggs!

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What did the peanut say to the walnut?

Nothing. Nuts can't talk.
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