How can you tell that a train just went by?

It left its tracks.
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What kind of mouse does not eat, drink, or even walk?

A computer mouse.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb?

Fifty — one to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him/her.
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What's in the middle of nowhere?

The letter H.
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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What did the ceiling say to the chandelier?

You're the only bright spot in my life.
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If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?

H2O cubed.
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Why doesn't Donald Trump sweat like Marco Rubio?

Because he has such yuuuuge fans!
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What is the definition of a "crying shame"?

There was an empty seat.
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