How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

Their lips are moving.
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How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

He got caught peeping on a test.
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How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

You Poke her face.

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Why did the chicken cross the clothing store?

To get to the other size!
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Why did the elephant leave the circus?

He was tired of working for peanuts.
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What's the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?

A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four

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How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it faster.

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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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How many apples grow on a tree?

All of them.
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