How did the bubble gum cross the road?

On the bottom of the chicken's foot!
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Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.
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What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors?

A piano.
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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What is the best thing to do if you find a gorilla in your bed?

Sleep somewhere else.
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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What do you call a dinosaur that wears a cowboy hat and boots?

Tyrannosaurus Tex.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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"Mommy, everyone says I look like a werewolf."

"Please be quiet and comb your face."
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