How did the bubble gum cross the road?

On the bottom of the chicken's foot!
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What's the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?

A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four

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Did you hear about Michael Jackson's latest record?

"Feel the World."
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Now that Macy's has severed ties, with Donald Trump, how can the average American look like the President?

By hunting and killing their own hair piece.
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What's an alligator's favorite drink?

Gator-Ade.
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What did one ion say to the other?

I've got my ion you.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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What's gray, eats fish, and lives in Washington, D.C.?

The Presidential Seal.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What do you call a baby bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear
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