How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?

He gave her a ring.
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Why did the doughnut shop close?

The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!
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What's a puppy's favorite kind of pizza?

Pupperoni.
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What did the banana do when the monkey chased it?

The banana split
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How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What do you call a messy hippo?

A hippopota-mess
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What do you call a cow that's just given birth?

[De-Calf-Inated]
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