How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?

He gave her a ring.
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I know loads of jokes about cash machines,

I just can't think of one atm.
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What did the porcupine say to the cactus?

Is that you mommy?
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What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear?

White vans.
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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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What do you call a cow in a tornado?

A milkshake
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Customer: "Do you have alligator shoes?"

Clerk: "Yes, sir. What size does your alligator wear?"
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

Because he was caught tweeting on a test.
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