How do you catch a tame bird?

The tame way, unique up on it!
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?

You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
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What washes up on small beaches?

Microwaves.
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I backed a horse last week at ten to one.

It came in at quarter past four.

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How many Holocaust revisionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None: they just deny that the bulb ever went out in the first place.
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Why was the ant so confused?

Because all his uncles were "ants"!
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?

It takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
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What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?

Root position cords.

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What's black and white and red all over?

A sunburnt zebra.
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