How do you cut a wave in half?

Use a sea saw.
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Why can't hippos ride bicycles?

Bike helmets don't fit hippos
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Which 2 food groups make up Donald Trumps diet?

Meat and Democrats!
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What did the little boy's mom say when he asked her to buy him shoes for gym?

"Tell Jim to buy his own shoes".
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Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

Professional courtesy.
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How does a train sneeze?

Ah-choo-choo!
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How many UNIX hacks does it take to change a light bulb?

As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.
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What do you call a cow that twitches?

Beef jerky
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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Why did the cow cross the road?

To get to the udder side.
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