How do you fix a broken brass instrument?

With a Tuba glue.

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How many [ethnic] gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
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I would avoid the sushi if I was you.

It’s a little fishy.
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What is the most important rule in chemistry?

Never lick the spoon!
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What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?

The caterer.
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What is King Arthur's favorite fish?

A swordfish
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What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path?

Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
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Why does the Donald sleep with a potato in his briefs?

Because he want to wake up some day as America's First Dictator.
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What kind of dogs do chemists have?

Laboratory Retrievers
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What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter?

An envelope.
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