How do you fix a broken Tuba.

With a tuba glue.
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How many orgy attenders does it take to change a lightbulb?

As many as possible, and don't *ask* what they do with the old bulb.
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How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

``Oh wow, is it like dark, man?''
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Why did the scientist take out his doorbell?

He wanted to win the no-bell prize!
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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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What do you call a thieving alligator?

A crookodile
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Trump: "It's not a toupee,

I just found the Bush that Jeb lost."
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What do an accordion and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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How many Klingons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it in, and one to stab the other in the back and take all the credit.
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