How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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How much does a hipster weigh?

An instagram.
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Why does Trump love the poorly educated?

Because they only know their ABCs "Anybody But Clinton".
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What is at the end of everything?

The letter G.
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How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb?

"Many hands make light work."
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.

It was sole destroying.
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Where do cows go on Saturday night?

To the mooooooovies.
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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What do you call a belt made out of watches?

A waist of time!
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