How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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What is up in the air and wobbles?

A jellycopter
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Customer: "Do you have alligator shoes?"

Clerk: "Yes, sir. What size does your alligator wear?"
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear?

White vans.
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How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to climb the ladder while the second kicks the ladder out from under her. And the third to say, "I knew that was too high for you dear."
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What did the flag say to the pole?

Nothing, it just waved.
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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Why did the orange stop in the middle of the hill?

It ran out of juice!
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What do you call a snarky criminal going down the stairs?

[A Condesending con descending]
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