How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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How are doughnuts and golf alike?

They both have a hole in one!
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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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What is the easiest way to count a herd of cattle?

With a cowculator.
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When is a car not a car?

When it turns into a garage.
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What's a puppy's favorite kind of pizza?

Pupperoni.
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What did one owl say to the other owl?

Happy Owl-ween!
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What does Donald Trump say when he can't find his Viagra?

"The erection is rigged!"
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How did the chemist survive the famine?

By subsisting on titrations.
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Why was the mouse afraid of the water?

Catfish
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