How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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What is the difference between a car and a bull?

A car only has one horn.
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Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns

they always take things literally.
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Why should you never tell a secret in a corn field?

Because there are too many ears.
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What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?

Taller
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Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight.

Blue sky at night: day.
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Why do you bring fish to a party?

Because it goes good with chips.
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Why did the singer climb a ladder?

She wanted to reach the high notes!

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What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?

It gave a little wine
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