How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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Why shouldn't Donald Trump rag on illegal immigrants?

Because an undocumented worker has been living on his head for the past 2 decades!
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How many investment brokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes.
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What did the Cinderella fish wear to the ball?

Glass flippers.
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I know loads of jokes about cash machines,

I just can't think of one atm.
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What do frogs order when they go to a restaurant?

French Flies.
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What's a puppy's favorite kind of pizza?

Pupperoni.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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What kind of pants do ghosts wear?

Boo-Jeans.
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