How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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What do vampires take when they are sick?

Coffin drops!
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?

One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
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What is very funny and makes dogs itch?

The Flea Stooges!
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?

New Jersey got to pick first.
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What did the carrot say to the rabbit?

Do you want to grab a bite?
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