How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze
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How many art directors does it take to screw in a light bulb

Does it have to be a light bulb? I've got this neat candle holder...
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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What do you call a wheel made of iron?

A ferrous wheel.
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How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of production!
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Old chemists never die,

they just stop reacting.
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What is a horse's favorite sport?

Stable tennis
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What did the class clown take a computer to school?

Her mom told her to bring in an apple for the teacher.
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