How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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What happened when the monster ate the electric company?

He was in shock for a week.
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What has one horn and gives milk?

A milk truck.
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What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?

Lipstick.
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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?"

I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
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Did you know that oxygen went for a second date with potassium?
How did it go?

It went OK2!
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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