How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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What did one ion say to the other?

I've got my ion you.
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How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
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What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?

It gave a little wine
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What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.
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What did the frog say when he heard "time flies when you are having fun?"

Time is fun when you're having flies
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Humpty Trumpty wants a great wall.

Humpty Trumpty wants Mexico to pay for it all.
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How many bass clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them
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What happened when the lion ate the comedian?

He felt funny.
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