How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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What do you call a dog that likes bubble baths?

A shampoodle
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What do you call a cat sitting on the beach on Christmas Eve?

Sandy Claws.
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What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?

A spelling bee!
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What did the octopus say to his girlfriend when he proposed?

Can I have your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand in marriage?
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Why do you think Civil Disobedience was such a fantastic essay?

Thoreau editing Thorough.
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day?

Every year!
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Went to the paper shop -

it had blown away.
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