How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

An offer you can't understand
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Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.
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Why do ghosts make good cheerleaders?

Because they have a lot of spirit.
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"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We'll see about that."

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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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Why did the boy take a ruler to bed?

To see how long he slept.
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