How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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What happened to the man who was stopped for having sodium chloride and a nine-volt in his car?

He was booked for a salt and battery.
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How many plastic surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but he'll also want to do something about your nose.
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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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How does Donald Trump plan on deporting 12 million illegal immigrants?

Juan by Juan.
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How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin

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What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It’s Hans free.
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