How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?

None; assholes never see the light anyway.
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What do you call a messy hippo?

A hippopota-mess
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How Many lead guitarist does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just steal somebody else's light.
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What happened to the man who was stopped for having sodium chloride and a nine-volt in his car?

He was booked for a salt and battery.
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Why did Venus have to get an air conditioner?

Because Mercury moved in.
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