How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?

An udder failure.
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How do you make a fire with two sticks?

Make sure one is a match!
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What did the flag say to the pole?

Nothing, it just waved.
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.
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How does a pig go to hospital?

In a hambulance.
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How do Eskimos make their beds?

With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
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Where do cars go for a swim?

At the carpool!
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Clowns divorce:

custardy battle.
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