How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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Why are ghosts so bad at lying?

Because you can see right through them!
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What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?

Big holes all over Australia!
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What do you call a bankrupt Santa?

Saint Nickel-less.
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What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.
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If you don't know what introspection is,

you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.
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What do vampires take when they are sick?

Coffin drops!
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
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Why did Mickey Mouse get whacked in the head?

coz Donald ducked
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