How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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Why didn't the skeleton want to go to school?

His heart wasn't in it.
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What do moms dress up as on Halloween?

Mummies!
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I think I want a job cleaning mirrors.


It's something I could really see myself doing.
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How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb?

You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the light you need. (Comment: BLEAH!)
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They stopped a vulture from bringing his rotting carcasses on the plane

but he said "You said I could have two carry on items!"
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How many Agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Actually, agents will screw in just about anything.
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