How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Where do orcas hear music?

Orca-stras
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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 ate 9.
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What did one wall say to the other?

I'll meet you at the corner.
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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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What do cats and dogs call Santa Clause?

Santa paws!!!
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How many punk rockers does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen on the guest list.
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How does a penguin build it's house?

Igloos it together.
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