How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start!
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A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?

He gave her a ring.
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How many supporters of George W. Bush does it take to change a light bulb?

None. First, denounce the nearest Democrats as liberal pantywaists who deliberately caused the bulb to blow. Second, announce that the Bush administration has proved that the science of electricity is faulty, so no action ever needs to be taken on global light change. Third, keep the need for a new light bulb strictly secret. Fourth, use the money for new light bulbs as an excuse for another tax cut for Bush's wealthy friends. Fifth, explain that you would never "disassemble" about the need for light, you are way too busy spreading freedom and democracy in the Middle East by eliminating freedom and democracy in the United States.
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Where did the sheep go on vacation?

The baaaahamas
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What did the carrot say to the rabbit?

Do you want to grab a bite?
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What did the Mass Spectrometer say to the Gas Chromatograph?

Breaking up is hard to do.
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