How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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What does a cat call a hummingbird?

Fast food.
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Why did the cat go to Minnesota?

To get a mini soda
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What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

An offer you can't understand
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How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on.
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Where did the sheep go on vacation?

The baaaahamas
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What is the name of 007's Eskimo cousin?

Polar Bond.
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Why did the melon jump into the lake?

It wanted to be a watermelon.
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I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?"

I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
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