How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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Why did the spy stay in bed?

Because he was under cover.
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What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.
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How many Yuppies (WASPs) does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to call the electrician, and one to mix the drinks.
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

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What kind of shoes do bannanas make?

Slippers!
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What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.
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What kind of ties can't you wear?

Railroad ties.
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