How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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A pair of eyebrows walked into a shop. The assistant asked, "Can I help you?"

The eyebrows replied, "no, we are just browsing"
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How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg.
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What does Melania see in Donald Trump?

"Ten billion dollars and high cholesterol!"
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I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?"

I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
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Why did the tomato blush?

Because he saw the salad dressing!
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What did the Cinderella fish wear to the ball?

Glass flippers.
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What is green and pecks on trees?

Woody the Wood Pickle.
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Went to the paper shop -

it had blown away.
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