How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.
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Why did the poultry farmer become a school teacher?

So he could grade his eggs.
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What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?

A tattoo.

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How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.
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How does a train sneeze?

Ah-choo-choo!
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Where do mice park their boats?

At the hickory dickory dock.
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What room can you not go into?

A mushroom!
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I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.

I can hardly contain myself.

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