How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
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What do Donald Trump and a baby have in common?

They both whine alot!
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What's the name of the archeologist that works at Scotland Yard?

Sherlock Bones.
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What did the carrot say to the rabbit?

Do you want to grab a bite?
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How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb?

Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.
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I just watched a program about beavers.

It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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