How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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What is the world's longest punctuation mark?

The hundred yard dash.
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How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness® as the industry standard.
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What did the calculator say to the math student?

You can count on me!
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How does a penguin build it's house?

Igloos it together.
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Why do ducks fly south?

Because it's too far to walk!
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What do you call a dog that likes bubble baths?

A shampoodle
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What is the most important subject a witch learns in school?

Spelling.
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What's black and white and red all over?

A blushing zebra.
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