How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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How did the chemist survive the famine?

By subsisting on titrations.
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How many Union Lighting Technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It's not a bulb, it's a globe.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?

You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
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I know loads of jokes about cash machines,

I just can't think of one atm.
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What kind of ties can't you wear?

Railroad ties.
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Why did they kick cinderella off the baseball team?

She kept running away from the ball.
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How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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How many plastic surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but he'll also want to do something about your nose.
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