How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel

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What did the flag say to the pole?

Nothing, it just waved.
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What do cats and dogs call Santa Clause?

Santa paws!!!
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Why did the farmer wear one boot to town?

Because he heard there would be a 50% chance of snow!
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.

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What did Donald Trump do before criticizing illegals?

He made sure his pools were clean and his lawns were mowed.
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Why do loud, obnoxious whistles exist at some factories?

To give us some sort of appreciation for flutes.

Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.

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What do you call a dog that likes bubble baths?

A shampoodle

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