How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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Why do cows go to New York?

To see the moosicals
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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:

"Pint please, and one for the road."

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Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
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How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.
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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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What kind of band can't play music?

A rubber band.
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What did the laywer name his daughter?

Sue.
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