How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?

It might be your bicycle.
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What is the definition of a "crying shame"?

There was an empty seat.
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Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze
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What do you call a cat sitting on the beach on Christmas Eve?

Sandy Claws.
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How many plastic surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but he'll also want to do something about your nose.
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