How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel

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What goes up and down but never moves?

Stairs.
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Now that Macy's has severed ties, with Donald Trump, how can the average American look like the President?

By hunting and killing their own hair piece.
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What do fish take to stay healthy?

Vitamin sea.

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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Depends on what you want to change it into.

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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.
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Why do you bring fish to a party?

Because it goes good with chips.

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