How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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What did the alien say when he was out of room?

I'm all spaced out!
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How many Jewish American Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to call Daddy, and one to get the (pick one:) mineral water/Tab.
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How do you open the great lakes?

With the Florida Keys.
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What is Claustrophobia?

The fear of Santa Claus.
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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me!
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How do dinosaurs pay their bills?

With Tyrannosaurus checks.
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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