How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb?

Fifty — one to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him/her.
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What kind of cat should you never play games with?

A cheetah
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Why did the banana go to the hospital?

Because he wasn't peeling well!
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Why doesn't Donald Trump sweat like Marco Rubio?

Because he has such yuuuuge fans!
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Why was the mole of oxygen molecules excited when he walked out of the singles bar?

He got Avogadro's number!
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So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants,

it was Wedgie Kray.

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A pair of eyebrows walked into a shop. The assistant asked, "Can I help you?"

The eyebrows replied, "no, we are just browsing"
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