How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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How do you catch a tame bird?

The tame way, unique up on it!
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What do you call a guy who's born in Columbus, grows up in Cleveland, and then dies in Cincinnati?

Dead.
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How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

Their lips are moving.
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Why was the mouse afraid of the water?

Catfish
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What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up?

A try and try and try-ceratops
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How do you know the economy is only getting worse?

On the latest episode of "Celebrity Apprentice", Donald Trump fired himself!
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