How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel

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How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.

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What is an astronauts favorite key on the keyboard?

The space bar!

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What does cheese say to itself in the mirror?

Halloumi.
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How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.

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What does Donald Trump say when he can't find his Viagra?

"The erection is rigged!"
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What do you call a sad bird?

A bluebird!

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Why is Donald Trump always seen with Melania?

Because all his other wives support Hillary.
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