How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
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What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path?

Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
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What pine has the longest needles?

A porcupine.
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How do you open the great lakes?

With the Florida Keys.
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Why can't a bicycle stand up?

Because it's two tired!
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What is the difference between a locomotive engineer and a teacher?

One minds the train, one trains the mind.
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What music does cheese listen to?

R & Brie.
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