How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
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Why does Trump love the poorly educated?

Because they only know their ABCs "Anybody But Clinton".
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Some lettuce, an egg, and a faucet had a race. What was the result?

The lettuce came in ahead, the egg got beat and the faucet is still running.
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What kind of underwear to reporters wear?

News briefs.
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"Dyslexic man walks into a bra"
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What do you call a parrot that flew away?

A polygon
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What's the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?

A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four

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