How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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Why do pandas like old movies?

Because they are black and white.
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What would happen if pigs could fly?

The price of bacon would go up.
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What message did Bach have on his answering machine?

"This phone is baroque, please call Bach later."

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How many Bratzlaver Hasidim does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They will never find a bulb that burns as brightly as the old one.
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Why can't you compare Donald Trump to cancer?

Because sometimes you can get rid of cancer.
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There were five people under one umbrella. Why didn't they get wet?

It wasn't raining!
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Why do chemists enjoy working with ammonia?

Because it's pretty basic stuff.
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