How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

Cut the rope.
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How do you know an elephant has been in your refrigerator?

There are footprints in the butter.
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How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

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If minorities have the race card and women have the gender card, what do rednecks have?

The Trump Card
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What did the calculator say to the math student?

You can count on me!
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What did the sub-atmoic ducks say?

Quark!
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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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What do you call a gorilla wearing earmuffs?

Anything you like, he can't hear you.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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