How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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What do you call a thieving alligator?

A crookodile
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Why was the math book sad?

It had too many problems.
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How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But the guitarist has to show him first.

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How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?

One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
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What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson?

Get out of my sun!
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What do you call a dog with a Rolex?

A watch dog.
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What do you call a wheel made of iron?

A ferrous wheel.
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What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride?

Holly Davidson.
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