How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. There never was any light bulb.

Notes: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.
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Why is Donald Trump always seen with Melania?

Because all his other wives support Hillary.
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What's the first thing a musician says at work?

"Would you like fries with that?"

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Why didn't the rooster cross the road?

Because it was chicken.
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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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What do you call a crate of ducks?

A box of quackers.
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What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.
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Where is a rabbit's favorite place to eat?

Ihop
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What do frogs order when they go to a restaurant?

French Flies.
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