How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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How many referral agents does it take to change a light bulb?

Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.
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What's gray, eats fish, and lives in Washington, D.C.?

The Presidential Seal.
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Why don't aliens celebrate Chistmas?

Because they don't want to give away their presence.
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What is a parents favorite Christmas carol?

Silent night!
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There were five people under one umbrella. Why didn't they get wet?

It wasn't raining!
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Which runs faster, hot or cold water?

Hot, because you can catch cold.
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What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?

It gave a little wine
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How many radical feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

That isn't funny!
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