How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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What kind of dogs do chemists have?

Laboratory Retrievers
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How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

Their lips are moving.
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner. "Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"

The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
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What is a vampire's favorite fruit?

A nectarine!
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If minorities have the race card and women have the gender card, what do rednecks have?

The Trump Card
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How many Italians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I dunno exactly, but my brother's girlfriend's father's boss's secretary's sister's next-door neighbors' priest's cousin's union shop steward's uncle's Knights Of Columbus club Sergeant-of-Arms's nephew's best friend did it real cheap for me once.
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What is as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?

Its shadow
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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