How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin

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What's the difference between a tuba and a vacumn cleaner?

You have to turn one of them on before it sucks.

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Why do chemists like nitrates so much?

They're cheaper than day rates.
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Where do fortune tellers dance?

At the crystal ball.
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When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

When you're a mouse.
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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Why did the cucumber call 911?

It was in a pickle!
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Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?

He was a baaaaaaaaad driver.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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