How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin

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What did the teddy bear say when it was offered dessert?

No thank you, I'm stuffed.
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What did the light bulb say to its mother?

I wuv you watts and watts.
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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How many UFO buffs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. You don't believe me do you? I've got photos! See that big blob? Well, just squint your eyes a bit. . . .
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What is King Arthur's favorite fish?

A swordfish
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Why did the poultry farmer become a school teacher?

So he could grade his eggs.
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Why are there fences around a graveyard?

Because people are dying to get in!
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What kind of fish is made out of 2 sodium atoms?

2 Na
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