How do you make a goldfish old?

Take away the g
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Three, but they're really only one.
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.

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Went to the paper shop -

it had blown away.
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What did the peanut say to the walnut?

Nothing. Nuts can't talk.
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What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook?

Wet feet.
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What is a horse's favorite sport?

Stable tennis
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