How do you make Halloween great again?

By carving a Trumpkin.
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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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If H20 is water, what is H204?

Drinking, bathing, washing, swimming, etc.
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What do you call an exploding monkey?

A baboom
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They stopped a vulture from bringing his rotting carcasses on the plane

but he said "You said I could have two carry on items!"
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Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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Online money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.

The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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