How do you make Holy water?

Take regular water and just boil the hell out of it.
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Why didn't the skeleton want to go to school?

His heart wasn't in it.
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The defendant is accused of putting dynamite into a steer.

Abominable! [A Bomb In a Bull]
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Why did the farmer wear one boot to town?

Because he heard there would be a 50% chance of snow!
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What did the painter say to the wall?

I got you covered.
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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A man goes to a zoo and discovers there is only one animal and it's a dog.

It was a Shih Tzu
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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If minorities have the race card and women have the gender card, what do rednecks have?

The Trump Card
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What do Santa's elves drink?

Minnesoda.
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