How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away his credit card

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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.
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How did the chemist survive the famine?

By subsisting on titrations.
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Where do mice park their boats?

At the hickory dickory dock.

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And the mermaid, that was weird. What was she wearing in math class?

An Algae-bra
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How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb?

Six: two to screw in the bulb and four to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.
None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.

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When do you go on red and stop on green?

When you are eating a watermelon.
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What do you call a clown who's in jail?

A silicon.
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What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

An offer you can't understand
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