How do you tell you're kissing a french horn player?

He/She keeps trying to stick their fist up your butt.

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What does the toast wear to bed?

Jammies!
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one - and let the other one off.

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What do you call two ants that run away to get married?

Ant-elopes!
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How do you make a million dollars singing jazz?

Start with two million.

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What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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How many Carl Sagans does it take to change a light bulb?

Billllyuns and billllyuns. Light bulbs are part of the interstellar "goo" that pervades our universe; they are star stuff.
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How many fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?

None; the Bible doesn't mention any light bulbs.
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What kind of cars do cats drive?

Catillacs
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What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?

Count Quackula!
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