How does a pig go to hospital?

In a hambulance.
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How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?

None; assholes never see the light anyway.
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What do you call a cow in a tornado?

A milkshake
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Online money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.

The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
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Where did the sheep go on vacation?

The baaaahamas
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How many punk rockers does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen on the guest list.
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How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.
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Why did Mozart kill his chickens?

Because they always ran around going "Bach! Bach! Bach!"

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What does an octopus wear when it gets cold?

A coat of arms.
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What's black and white and red all over?

A sunburnt zebra.
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