How does a pig go to hospital?

In a hambulance.
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How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, 50 to establish the state production quota, 200 militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an "800" number to order an American light bulb.
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What can you put in a barrel to make it lighter?

Holes.
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How do you fix a broken Tuba.

With a tuba glue.
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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I backed a horse last week at ten to one.

It came in at quarter past four.

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How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb?

50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him .
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When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day?

Every year!
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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish
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