How does an attorney sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness® as the industry standard.
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What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?

A pineapple!
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What is the name of 007's Eskimo cousin?

Polar Bond.
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How do you make a musician's car more aerodynamic?

Take the pizza delivery sign off the roof

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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It's Hans free.
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Why doesn't Melania Trump want to be the first lady?

Because she would have to move into a smaller house.
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Where do cows go on Saturday night?

To the mooooooovies.
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How did Noah see the animals in the Ark at night?

With flood lighting.
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