How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
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Where can you find a good lawyer?

In the cemetery
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What is Donald Trumps biggest dilemma now that he's president?

Finding a cabinet position for the thing on his head!
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Why did the boy take a ladder to school?

He wanted to go to high school!
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What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?

Root position cords.

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Why was the boy sitting on his watch?

Because he wanted to be on time.
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I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.

I can hardly contain myself.

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Whats the difference between Terrorists and Accordion players?

Terrorists have sympathizers

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Why was the woman fired from the car assembly line?

She was caught taking a brake.
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What do Michael Jackson and Malt Whiskey have in common?

They both come in tots.
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