How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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What part of a fish weighs the most?

The scales.
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What do you call a cat sitting on the beach on Christmas Eve?

Sandy Claws.
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What kind of band can't play music?

A rubber band.
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What do you get when you plant a frog?

A cr-oak tree.
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What kind of flower has lips?

Two-lips!
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Why is Superman's costume so tight?

Because he wears a size "S".
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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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