How many apples grow on a tree?

All of them.
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What do you give a pig with a rash?

Oinkment.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
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Why was the ant so confused?

Because all his uncles were "ants"!
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What has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck.
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What do you call a dinosaur in a car accident?

A tyrannosauraus wreck
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Why to lawyers wear neckties?

To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
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What do you call a mommy cow that just had a calf?

Decalfinated
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What happens when spectroscopists are idle?

They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
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