How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?

None; assholes never see the light anyway.
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How do you make Halloween great again?

By carving a Trumpkin.
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Which 2 food groups make up Donald Trumps diet?

Meat and Democrats!
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What do you call a parrot that flew away?

A polygon
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If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?

It might be your bicycle.
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Why does hamburger yield lower energy than steak?

Because it's in the ground state.
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What did the snowman say to the customer?

Have an ice day!
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How do you know when the moon has enough to eat?

When it's full.
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What's gray, eats fish, and lives in Washington, D.C.?

The Presidential Seal.
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There were two cows in a paddock. One of the cows says, "moo"

and the other one says, "That's what I was going to say."
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