How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?

None; assholes never see the light anyway.
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What do you call a dog that likes bubble baths?

A shampoodle
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What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?

A rash of good luck.
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What's the difference between a snow man and a snow woman?

Snow balls!
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?

Accountants know they're boring.
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What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a red car?
A red carnation.
What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a pink car?
A pink car-nation.
What would the country be called if everyone in it lived in their cars?

An in-car-nation.
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How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Astronomers prefer the dark.
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When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?

C over lambda.
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What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement?

Not enough cement.
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