How many bass clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them
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What kind of dog always runs a fever?

A hot dog
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How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.
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What do Russians use for napkins?

Soviets
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Why did the melon jump into the lake?

It wanted to be a watermelon.
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Why did the boy take a ruler to bed?

To see how long he slept.
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If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?

It might be your bicycle.
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What did the frog say when he heard "time flies when you are having fun?"

Time is fun when you're having flies
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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