How many BMI employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They screw millions of bulbs every day, but when it comes to your bulbs, there's no record.

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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"

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What did Donald Trump do before criticizing illegals?

He made sure his pools were clean and his lawns were mowed.
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What bone will a dog never eat?

A trombone.

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What would happen if pigs could fly?

The price of bacon would go up.

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Why did the calendar write its will?

Its days were numbered.
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Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food, no atmosphere.
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Why did the cow go to outer space?

To visit the milky way.

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