How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?

One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
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What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

The tick falls off when you are dead.
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Why do you bring fish to a party?

Because it goes good with chips.
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Where do all the letters sleep?

In the alphabed.
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A jump-lead walks into a bar.

The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
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When are kids most likely to go to school?

When the door is open.
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How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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Why to lawyers wear neckties?

To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
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Why did the TV cross the road?

Because it wanted to be a flat screen.
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What has holes all over and holds water?

A sponge!
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