How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?

One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
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How many alumnae of (sorority name) does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it and one to act as chaperone.
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A proton and a neutron are walking down the street.
The proton says, "Wait, I dropped an electron help me look for it."

The neutron says "Are you sure?" The proton replies "I'm positive."
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Why did Mickey Mouse get whacked in the head?

coz Donald ducked
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Why did the carpenter fall asleep on the job?

He was board.
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Why did the dog cross the road twice?

He was trying to fetch a boomerang
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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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Why does a giraffe have such a long neck?

Because his feet stink
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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