How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?

One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
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How many French Horn players does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but he/she will spend hours checking for technical problems.
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?

Count Quackula!
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How do you make Holy water?

Take regular water and just boil the hell out of it.
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What did Donald Trump do before criticizing illegals?

He made sure his pools were clean and his lawns were mowed.
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What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride?

Holly Davidson.
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Where do sheep get their hair cut?

At the baa-baa shop.
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Why did the melon jump into the lake?

It wanted to be a watermelon.
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What do Michael Jackson and Malt Whiskey have in common?

They both come in tots.
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