How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?

One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
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When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day?

Every year!
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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What is the difference between a car and a bull?

A car only has one horn.
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Why was the cat afraid of a tree?

Because of the bark
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What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?

A drummer

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How do you know the economy is only getting worse?

On the latest episode of "Celebrity Apprentice", Donald Trump fired himself!
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What cheese do you use to coax a bear out of the woods with?

Camembert.
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Why can't Donald Trump be a Lannister?

Because he never pays his debts.
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Why did the bird get a ticket?

It broke the law of gravity!
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