How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?

One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
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What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?

An udder failure.
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What do you give a pig with a rash?

Oinkment.
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What is a vampire's favorite fruit?

A nectarine!
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What do Santa's elves drink?

Minnesoda.
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I just watched a program about beavers.

It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
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Why was the mouse afraid of the water?

Catfish
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Why did the thief take a shower?

He wanted to make a clean getaway!
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What is Donald Trumps biggest dilemma now that he's president?

Finding a cabinet position for the thing on his head!
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What happens when frogs park illegally?

They get toad.
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