How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?

One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
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How do you make a hot dog stand?

Steal its chair.
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How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
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How many sheep do you need to make a sweater?

I don't know. I didn't think sheep could knit
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Why do ducks fly south?

Because it's too far to walk!
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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What do you call a pig that does karate?

A pork chop.
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What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?

A spelling bee!
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I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with

but I've been trippin' all day.
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Why did the baseball player bring a rope to the game?

Because he wanted to tie the score!
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