How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?

One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
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What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years. A good lawyer makes it last even longer.
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What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?

Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!

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How many Director's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one more, guys, I promise.
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Why don't mountains get cold in the winter?

They wear snowcaps.
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If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?

H2O cubed.
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How does Donald Trump intend to spice up the Republican Convention?

By relocating it to a casino!
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What pine has the longest needles?

A porcupine.
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What do cats and dogs call Santa Clause?

Santa paws!!!
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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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