How many Einsteins does it take to change a light bulb?

That depends on the speed of the change and the mass of the bulb. Or vice versa, of course. It just might be easier to leave the bulb and change the room. It's all relative.
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What kind of phones do people in jail use?

Cell phones
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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Why don't aliens celebrate Chistmas?

Because they don't want to give away their presence.
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What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium
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What did the flag say to the pole?

Nothing, it just waved.
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It’s Hans free.
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What happened to the man who was stopped for having sodium chloride and a nine-volt in his car?

He was booked for a salt and battery.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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