How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.
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How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?

One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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What did the Cinderella fish wear to the ball?

Glass flippers.
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Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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What do you call a thieving alligator?

A crookodile
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It's Hans free.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?

The bucket.
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What country makes you shiver?

Chile.
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