How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it faster.

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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night.

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill.
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How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, 50 to establish the state production quota, 200 militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an "800" number to order an American light bulb.
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What happened when the butcher backed up into his meat grinder?

he got a little behind in his work.
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What's the name of the archeologist that works at Scotland Yard?

Sherlock Bones.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb.
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Why don't aliens eat clowns?

Because they taste funny!
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What goes around a haunted house and never stops?

A fence.
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