How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Any changes will have to be implemented in software.
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What day of the week tastes the best?

Sunday!
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Does it take longer to run from 1st base to 2nd, or from 2nd to 3rd?

From 2nd to 3rd because there's a shortstop in the middle.
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How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None 'o yo' fuckin' business!
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There was an explosion at a cheese factory in France...

all that was left was de brie.
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How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What do you give a pig with a rash?

Oinkment.
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Online money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.

The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
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What do you call a dog with a Rolex?

A watch dog.
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