How many investment brokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes.
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What do you call a pig that does karate?

A pork chop.
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What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?

An udder failure.
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Why don't bears wear shoes?

What's the use, they'd still have bear feet
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How does a bird with a broken wing manage to land safely?

With its sparrowchute.
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Why was the cat afraid of a tree?

Because of the bark
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What do you call a bankrupt Santa?

Saint Nickel-less.
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Old chemists never die,

they just stop reacting.
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