How Many lead guitarist does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just steal somebody else's light.
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What did the alien say to the garden?

Take me to your weeder!
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How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.
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Whats the difference between a cat and a compound sentence?

One has claws at the end of its paws and one has a pause at the end of its clause
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What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?

As far away as possible.
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Who says sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me?

A guy who has never been hit with a dictionary.
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Why was the baseball player arrested in the middle of the game?

He was caught stealing second base.
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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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What kind of dog has a bark but no bite?

A Dogwood
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