How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness® as the industry standard.
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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Why did the doughnut shop close?

The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!
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How many pre-med students does it take to change a light bulb?

Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him/her.
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What does cheese say to itself in the mirror?

Halloumi.
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How many apples grow on a tree?

All of them.
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How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?

One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
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Which candles burn longer, bee's wax or tallow?

Neither, they all burn shorter.
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A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner. "Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"

The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
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What's brown and looks really good on a lawyer?

A Doberman.
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