How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness® as the industry standard.
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Why does hamburger yield lower energy than steak?

Because it's in the ground state.
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

Because he was caught tweeting on a test.
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What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?

Stick his bill up his ass.
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How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me." (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, for the infant readers among you, this was a popular catch-phrase from "Laugh In.")
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What's a light-year?

The same as a regular year, but with less calories.
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What's the name of the archeologist that works at Scotland Yard?

Sherlock Bones.
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Why did the football coach go to the bank?

To get his quarterback.
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When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?

C over lambda.
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How much does a hipster weigh?

An instagram.
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