How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness® as the industry standard.

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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What's the name of the archeologist that works at Scotland Yard?

Sherlock Bones.
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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.

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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me

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Why is a skeleton so mean?

He doesn't have a heart.
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Why are elephants wrinkled?

Because they don't fit on a ironing board

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What time is it when 5 dogs chase 1 cat?

Five after one.

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How many Yuppies (WASPs) does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to call the electrician, and one to mix the drinks.
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Why was the piano player arrested?

Because he got into treble with the cops

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