How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to screw it most of the way in and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
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How much does a hipster weigh?

An instagram.
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What pine has the longest needles?

A porcupine.
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What does new age music sound like played backwards?

New age music.

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Name four men that are in a rock group together but none of them sing nor play music...

Mt Rushmore. They're a rock group.. it's a rock...group
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What happened when the lion ate the comedian?

He felt funny.
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How do you open the great lakes?

With the Florida Keys.
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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What kind of dogs do chemists have?

Laboratory Retrievers
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Why did Bach have so many children?

He did not have a stop on his organ.

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