How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?

The pronunciation.
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What is the most important subject a witch learns in school?

Spelling.
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Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?

To hide in a bag of M&M's.
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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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Why was the cat afraid of a tree?

Because of the bark
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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date

but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

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They're always telling me to live my dreams.

But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for.
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How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
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Who earns a living by driving his customers away?

A taxi driver.
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