How many referral agents does it take to change a light bulb?

Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.
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When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?

C over lambda.
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.
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What do you call a dinosaur in a car accident?

A tyrannosauraus wreck
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Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?

At forks in the road.
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What did the Donald tell an illegal immigrant who was trying to put out a fire at Trump Tower?

No way Hose A.
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How do you make a rock float?

Put it in a glass with some ice cream and root beer.
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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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