How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day?

Every year!
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How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
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Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?

To hide in a bag of M&M's.
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What do you call a public servant who doesn't take crap from Republicans or Democrats?

Donald Trump.
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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Why did the doughnut shop close?

The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!
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How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to screw it most of the way in and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
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When are kids most likely to go to school?

When the door is open.
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