How many shaggy dogs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Fewer than it takes to screw in a heavy bulb.
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What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

He got caught peeping on a test.
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How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, 50 to establish the state production quota, 200 militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an "800" number to order an American light bulb.
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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What goes tick-tock, bow-wow, tick-tock, bow-wow?

A watch dog.
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Why didn't the skeleton want to go to school?

His heart wasn't in it.
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What is green and pecks on trees?

Woody the Wood Pickle.
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Have you seen the new HGTV show about the Whitehouse makeover?

It's called "Trump It or Dump It".
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Why was the mole of oxygen molecules excited when he walked out of the singles bar?

He got Avogadro's number!
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