How many teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?

``Twelve. Ya got a problem with that?''
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Old chemists never die,

they just stop reacting.
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Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station.
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What is the difference between a locomotive engineer and a teacher?

One minds the train, one trains the mind.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.
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Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked.

'It's not unusual' he replied.

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Why didn't the skeleton want to go to school?

His heart wasn't in it.
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Slept like a log last night........

Woke up in the fireplace.

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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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