How many teenage girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, but she'll be on the phone for five hours telling all her friends about it.
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A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing

but you accidentally say Mother.
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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?

The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
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What game do elephants play when riding in the back of a car?

Squash
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What is very funny and makes dogs itch?

The Flea Stooges!
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.
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What did the calculator say to the math student?

You can count on me!
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Which runs faster, hot or cold water?

Hot, because you can catch cold.
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Did you hear about Michael Jackson's latest record?

"Feel the World."
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