How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. There never was any light bulb.

Notes: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.
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When do you go on red and stop on green?

When you are eating a watermelon.
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What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook?

Wet feet.
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What bird can lift the most?

A crane.
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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

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How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

You Poke her face.

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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

Because he was caught tweeting on a test.
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What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?

CSI
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What do you call a pig who knows karate?

Porkchop
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Why did the carpenter fall asleep on the job?

He was board.
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